Anger

Yesterday was hard for me. I guess I shouldn't complain about it because she was my Grama, not my mother, but she was there for me when I was a kid and kept me safe from my mother. She was the only person I trusted 100% and the only person who loved me no matter what I did, how I did it, who I did it with, etc and never got mad. She may have gotten frustrated, but she was still always there for me. First I felt sadness, and then visions and memories of her came back to me as I was crying...her standing in her kitchen, sitting by the campfire and pretending I wasn't tired because I didn't want to miss anything, going to the pool everyday, her cooking whatever I wanted for dinner. And then I got angry, but I didn't know who to be angry at. I even said it out loud, "I don't know who to be angry at". I started thinking that I walked across the stage and accepted my diploma on May 17th of last year and that's the day she went in the hospital and never came home. I can't help but wonder if she was "waiting" to see me graduate and accept that diploma before she died. I know how proud of me she was. Maybe I'm mad at myself for graduating and accepting that stupid diploma. Maybe if I waited to do it, she would still be here...totally irrational and distorted, but *I* can see where I'm coming from because then, she died on my birthday. I felt like I was being punished for something. I don't know who or what was punishing me, but I felt like I was being scolded for messing up and being a "screw up". I know that doesn't make since because I had just graduated college, but that's how I felt. I had a couple of scary days before Mother's Day where I was restricting again. I thought I was gonna get all caught up in the food centered thinking and ED behaviors and I'm still a bit worried about it but I'm doing okay so far. I'm afraid of my birthday this year. I don't know what it's going to feel like. Maybe God will be nice and I'll go to bed on the 8th and wake up on the 10th?