Last day!

I had my last day in the ED tx program today. I can say that my day started out with me being irritable so I'm guessing that played a part in the latter part of my day. But, overall, it really wasn't that bad of a day. I'm irritated about some comments that were made to me Monday night by someone who has never had a mental illness diagnosis, addiction diagnosis, or an eating disorder (also an addiction) diagnosis. This person has also never lived with or been close to a person with any such diagnosis. I'm not ashamed of my comorbidity (more than one psychiatric diagnosis). My Axis I diagnoses are Bipolar II and Anorexia Nervosa and my Axis II diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder. It's an absolutely amazing program and highly recognized! At discharge you get a complete copy of your updated progress notes and discharge notes. This is not something experienced with clinics that specialize in Chemical Dependency alone. It's so very nice to know exactly what is being said-written-about you and your progress. You also have a choice of receiving a coffee mug or a recovery coin. I chose the coin because it is something that I can carry with me all day, everyday. It says ONE DAY AT A TIME on it. That's how you do it and I've always told my clients (when I did my internship) that, if ONE DAY AT A TIME seems too overwhelming, then feel free to do it one hour at a time, one minute a time...whatever works for them. Okay, back to my day...I was a bit irritable all day, but I was okay by lunchtime. At 12:45pm I was called out of group by the nurse practitioner intern. Now, in the program, us ED clients get weighed daily. We also have to get weighed at discharge. Now the woman who weighs us gets very precise with our weights, right down to the 1/4 of a pound, 1/2 of a pound, and 3/4 of a pound. The intern puts me on the scale and I tell her my approximate weight was at least 106lbs, so she sets it to 106lbs and it's too low so she immediately hikes it right to 107lbs without checking for "in between" weight. She doesn't even give it a second for the thing to stop "shaking" and gives me a weight of 107lbs. And since my weight has never been 107lbs I was quite upset. I know that most people won't understand that part of it, but it is a common eating disorder behavior (the weight obsession and increased anxiety when gaining weight). So I had to sit in the lobby after that to meet with the real nurse practitioner because I needed a refill on a prescription. As I'm sitting there the intern witch sits next to me with my chart waiting for the nurse practitioner to come out of her meeting and I start crying because of the way she weighed me and because the scale said 107lbs. Doesn't seem like a big deal to those without an eating disorder but it's huge to people with one. The other groups end at 1pm so clients start coming out and see me crying and some of them come to me to ask if I'm okay. I understand that this intern is not an eating disorder intern, she is a nurse practitioner intern, but it still upset me and was a huge trigger for me. When I finally met with the nurse practitioner she asked me why I was upset and I told her, so she weighed me again and did it the right way and it was 106.5 lbs, NOT 107lbs. That 1/2 pound may be small to you and everyone else, but to me, it was huge! So, I felt better after that. Then later in the day I met with my therapist. It's typical on your day of discharge to meet with all these people. My therapist was wonderful. She was great. She ran the morning Psychotherapy group that I attended everyday. She told me I was wonderful to work with and that there were several times during Psychotherapy group that I gave advice to clients where she said to herself, "I was just about to say that." or "Wow, she said that better than I could have." She also said she can see through those actions that I AM a good Counselor and that I AM good at helping other people and that she's going to miss me in group. That always feels good because during my internship I got completely different feedback from my Supervisor. I wish I could use my therapist from the program as a job reference, lol! So now that I am a graduate of the ED program I am going to see how "doing it on my own" is going to pan out. I, of course, have been referred to an outpatient clinic that specializes in eating disorders. They have therapists, a doctor, and a dietician. I will be seen there every few months to be sure that I'm doing alright with my eating disordered behaviors. I also will begin seeing my personal therapist tomorrow. I hope I can do this. I still restrict food intake on the weekends so it isn't like this is, all of a sudden, not a challenge. It's still a struggle and once you develop an eating disorder, as with any addictive disorder, it stays with you always, whether you are active within the disorder or not. This is the very beginning and the most challenging part of "recovery after recovery" (meaning, recovery after being in a tx program).