Today...

So I decided last night that I needed to start being serious about this ED stuff. I DO want to get better, for the sake of EVERY relationship in my life. I practiced some good radical acceptance this weekend for a variety of different things that happened (DBT skills that I learned about in college and have taught/used many times with the girls when I worked with them). Number 1: My mother is incapable of loving me unconditionally. It's not personal. It isn't that she doesn't want to. It's just that she can't. She can't love ANYONE unconditionally. Unless she gets some serious help-she'll never be able to love unconditionally. So, I just accept it and YES, sometimes it hurts, but not as much because I realized that it's not something that's in my control (or hers) and I'll always love HER unconditionally and that is ALL that is in my control as far as that goes. Number 2: If I don't eat....if I don't get better, I could lose EVERYTHING, including my life and I don't want that. The faster I get better, the faster I can get another job and I'm thinking that after going through this treatment program...I'll be a better Counselor. So I just "went with it" today and didn't fight the program like I did on Friday. I ate ALL of what was served to me, breakfast, lunch, AND snack...gained 2lbs since Friday, so I things look good so far. The poor guy on the treatment team. I remember when I met with the tx team Friday morning. By the middle of the meeting he had said to me, "You're a fighter aren't you?" and it was the ONLY time I looked up from the floor the entire time I was in there and I looked at him and said, "Yes. I am." and he saw me later in the day and came to me and (he is soooo nice compared to everyone else there) asked how it was going and then asked if I was coming back Monday and I told him yes. I saw him today right before "weigh in" and he shook my hand and smiled and said how happy he was to see me back. I told him that I had done a lot of thinking over the weekend and I decided to stop "fighting" against the people who were trying to help me here (at tx). I also laughed and jokingly said, "I told you I'd come back. See? You didn't expect me to be come back did you?" I'm pretty sure he didn't expect to see me back today. I told the nutritionist that I was one of those "difficult clients" and I know he could see that too. But, when you can see that someone truly cares how well you're doing in a tx program, it really makes you feel like coming back. So far he is the only person I've met there that seems to have his heart into his work. I wish he was my personal therapist. I could learn a lot from him. He has a BA and has his CASAC....which is TOTALLY and completely my goal some day. But, it's people like him who make you want to get better even more. It's so much better than the Counselors who sit in the chair and roll their eyes when "certain" people want to make a comment or who stare at the clock the entire time they're "leading" or "running" the group. You can tell who has their heart in it and who doesn't.