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missing him
9 years ago
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Hearts
I want to trade my heart in for a new one. There are only four people in this world who love me and they're family. No one outside of family can find it in themselves to love me. At one point, I thought I had a beautiful heart, full of love, full of an intense desire to help other people with their pain. I went to school for several years to become a Substance Abuse Counselor so I could help others with their addictions. But look at the big old failed college graduate now: sitting in the seat of addiction, not to drugs or alcohol, but to food. Here I sit with all the knowledge in the world about addictive disorders, including eating disorders and then, THERE I sit being TREATED for an active eating disorder, an addiction. What a loser! Only now have I realized that my heart has only CAUSED other people more pain. In the last week, I have caused two people to "go away" because they just can't stand me anymore. And just in the week before that, someone else decided that they would rather not have me in their life because of my eating disorder. And just today...another one...another friend, lost...due to my ugly, mean, cruel, disgusting "inside". So I want a new heart. One that isn't so ugly inside. One that won't cause everyone around me pain and heartache!
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2 comments:
You do have a beautiful heart,a big heart that reaches out to those in need. To people who are hurting and need to hear or see a loving and caring word or action. You have a wonderful heart and empathy for others my Dear daugther and i do not say this because you are my child.
God created you with the heart you have because He and only He knows how you will use it. Your heart and what is in it and the scars on your heart will soon help and teach others to be able to deal with the issues that they are going through. God will use your wisdom and compassion to help others. The cool thing is that you will see first hand how He will use your past. But what is even cooler (I think)is the fact that you will help and touch others hearts and reach people in ways that you will not even know about. But God and that person will. God and those people will be so grateful.
I say forge ahead daugther and deal with the issues in front of you. It takes a strong person to face an addiction. Which you are.(a strong person) You are not alone as long as you remember that Jesus Christ is in this and walking with you. He may carry you or He may walk beside you Shelly(have not called you that in awhile)but He will never forsake you or leave you. That no one can change. It is written and promised to you by Him. Many things are.
You are not the only counselor dealing with and fighting their addiction the rooms and field is full of them. It is the ones who deal with it One Day At A Time that are able to reach the wounded and hurting (in or) at the heart.
This is where the healing takes place. This is where Jesus heals at the heart where He knows us best. He knows what is in our hearts and all He needs is for us to co-operate with him and follow His lead and His Heart.You have a Godly heart it shows. You are not your addiction or eating disorder.
You are a Mother, freind, daugther,counselor, advisor, big heart person and you are the gift that God gave this world. No one can take that away nor change that. Not anyone! You are a gift Michelle and I am so glad that I am your Father. That is God's gift to me. You are a gift to all that you come in contact with and will come to know.
That ugly that you think is in your heart is not ugly it is what makes you you. It is what God will use.
Someday you will see that and understand how wonderful your heart is. God also said to us that "in this world you will have trouble..But I have overcome this world" He will show you how to overcome this world.
If people want to not be around you because of where you are in life it is their loss. They are the losers. Not you. There will also be winners because they have known you and your heart. So please do not change your heart or trade it in. It is the heart that you were meant to have. God loves you and has a plan for you that is so behond what ever you or I could ever imagine. I love you for who you are no matter where you are or what you do or do not do. Not only because you are my daugther but because of the heart that you have. You see that is one of my gifts from God. The ability to see and know what is in others hearts and my daugther I believe that God has given you the same gift. I have had to learn which hearts God used and uses me to reach and which ones I need or needed to let go of and give to Him. It does not make any one a bad person. It just means we have to let go of those that we love and let God work in them. You will get past all of this. When I and we pray for you God lets us know that you will be okay. He gives us comfort that he will help you with your troubles. If He says this I know you will be okay.
Never a loser...only a winner. We love you and are proud of you. Keep forging. Keep fighting. Keep loving. You are a figther. Keep your head up high. You have so much to br proud about. It may not be easy at times but it will get better. Love you
If only others (and myself) could see what you see in me and what God sees in me...because all they see is the "negative" me, the "me" that's full of pessimism and what they see as hate for the world. I'm learning to work through my anger and not misdirect it but we all slip up sometimes, that's why God lets us ask for forgiveness. If it wasn't okay to make mistakes, then God would not have created forgiveness and encouraged us to ask that from him. I always cry when someone says they love me, partially because I don't hear it often...from you, Sherrie, and the kids is all...and I know I should be thankful because some people don't feel or hear it at all and some people truly don't have anyone in their lives who love them...and partially because I feel like I don't deserve to be loved. Grama loved me in a way that no one could ever replace. Grama loved me like Jesus loves us and everyone else. I don't doubt that God sent some of himself down within her when he created her because there is no one on this Earth that could love me like she did and there's no one that can love you like God can right???? There are no coincidences in life. Grama loved me like no one else and she isn't here anymore and I think that when she died is when I started this downward spiral into what I am NOW...I was always me and always sad and angry, but I pushed away my feelings about Grama's death for so long that they all hit me at once and I started whatever it is that I am so stuck in now. Nothing will ever replace her or the way she loved me and knowing that is so hard for me to accept. The way things fell around her death make me feel guilty. I had this conversation with Andy one night when I was missing her bad. She watched me, her oldest grand daughter walk across the stage and get my diploma...something she wanted SOOOOO bad and was so proud of (told everyone who walked in her hospital room) and then, that night, she went into the hospital and never came home, dying on the morning of my 29th birthday. Maybe I should have waited to graduate. Maybe that's what she was waiting for...I wish I hadn't graduated yet because maybe she'd still be here, waiting for that day. As screwed up as that sounds, that's how I feel. I do look at my birthday and the best gift I got that day was knowing she was out of pain and not suffering anymore. It doesn't mean I don't wish she was still here or that I'm glad she died, because I'm not, at all. And it doesn't invalidate the sadness and depression I have around her death. But, life is life and I didn't choose her death date. I can only try to take something positive out of a negative situation and know that I got the best gift of all for my birthday-knowing that she isn't in pain anymore and knowing that, every year, on my birthday, I will be reminded of that gift. Her illness and death also brought me into reality and started making me focus on my faith and find the faith that I had lost. I don't want any other gifts for my birthday...just knowing that she is out of pain and her suffering ended on that day is enough for me. Maybe you could make a donation, in her memory to a charity that helps with lung cancer research or awareness, but I need no physical gift, for I have the best gift of all-my Grama isn't suffering anymore and the rememberance of that every year, on my birthday, is gift enough to me.
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