Just lazy

I've just been lazy, not writing in my blog I mean. I'm too tired at the end of the night when I get out of work and then, after the kids get on the bus I lie back down and don't get up until it's either time to get them off the bus or time for me to go to work. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my Grandmother and her death, even though it's been 6 months, 6 months today actually. And I've come up with something I had come up with before, but I feel it more strongly now. About a month before my Grandmother fell ill, a friend had requested prayers for her Grandmother because she was ill and it would kill her if she lost her Grandmother. I sent her a response only saying that I would think good thoughts and that I hoped things worked out okay. I never said I'd pray or her Grandmother because, at the time, I didn't believe in God. Then, my Grandmother got sick. She watched me walk across the stage and accept my diploma on TV on May 17th, 2008 and went into the hospital that night. She never returned home, dying on the morning of my birthday. So, I feel that I am to blame for her death because I didn't pray for my friend's Grandmother (she is okay though). Being that she was taken on my birthday and that I didn't pray for my friend's Grandmother all lead me to believe that her death was my fault and that God was punishing me for not believing in him and not praying for my friends Grandmother. After all, it says in the Bible that God says, "If you are ashamed of me I will be ashamed of you before me" or something close to that. I figured he was cutting me some slack by letting her watch my Graduation ceremony from college. Because she watched it and went into the hospital that night and died on my birthday. We knew she had lung cancer but the woman was up and walking and talking like nothing was wrong the day I Graduated. She had kept Andrew overnight the night before because I had to get up and leave by 5:30am to be at Graduation. All this stuff combined leads me to believe that I am to blame somehow, at least I played some role in her death and I feel horrible and ashamed to face my family, because I feel like if it wasn't for my non-belief, she would still be here. She did not die in the typical manner that a cancer patient dies, that's also why I believe it was partly my fault.