TX

TX = Treatment. Anyway, I've spent the last two days in treatment crying and walking out of groups. In Psychotherapy group today someone started a discussion on outer beauty and how other people told them they were beautiful but they just couldn't see it in themselves. Being the recent weekend events, the topic was too heavy for me and I had to leave. I just remember being told recently, "When I first met you, you were 115/120lbs and you were beautiful, there was nothing wrong with you!" when we were discussing my eating disorder. So, now what? Now that I'm significantly carrying less poundage than that I'm not beautiful to you anymore. It's the first thought that popped into my head today when this topic was first approached upon. I felt like an ass but I couldn't stop crying so I got up and left and went outside to finish crying where I could do it without people staring at me and where I could be alone. I don't like to cry in front of people. My mother has also taken quite a liking to a co worker who is my age that I graduated high school with. She makes comments on all her photos of her children on facebook.com and makes comments on this girl's status updates and whatnot...comments that depict that this girl is just perfect in my mother's eyes...perfect as a person, perfect as a mother, and most importantly, perfect as a daughter...so I was thinking about that today. I know my mother wishes that I was more like this girl. My mother does not comment on photos of my children, her grandchildren! If she comments on my updates, it's usually something negative or she is usually trying to find out info that she knows I wouldn't normally tell her because I don't trust her. And she already told me that she doesn't "love me like this"....like this meaning that I have an eating disorder. No, she didn't say that she didn't love my eating disorder or my disease or my addiction, she said she didn't love me as long as I had an eating disorder. I made an innocent comment that I wanted to be left alone because I was upset and when I'm upset, I don't like to be pried or bugged. So now, I feel like she wants to adopt this girl as her daughter in place of me and that she wishes I wasn't her daughter and that she's embarrassed of me as a daughter. Unless you've been in this situation, you have no idea how painful it is. I always knew my mom didn't love me unconditionally but to hear it come from her mouth is another thing. She said, "I do love you, but I don't love you like this." "Like this" is when I need love the most. All she can concentrate on is my negatives, never my positives. The last two weeks...between my mother and this past weekend's events, they have sent me backwards in my eating disorder. Of course, I realize that I have allowed them to, but there are other things going on in my life right now that contribute to the stress. I don't want "better" as much as I used to. I have no appetite and force myself to eat. Sometimes...well, I won't go there...I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sick of struggling. I'm sick of being in pain. This is all so much harder than I thought it'd be. I just want my mommy to love me through "mommy eyes" and even though I realize that isn't within her capability, it doesn't make it less painful! I had NO idea that I was this much of a disappointment to her. She'd probably be perfectly happy if I was 10 feet under. Then, I wouldn't be such an embarrassment or a thorn in her side. And I truly believe that, right now, in this moment, I believe that. With the training I have in Substance Abuse Counseling and the experience I have living with other's addictions, I know we are supposed to tell our clients that the general motto is: "one day at a time", but through personal experience, "one day at a time" can just be too damn overwhelming...so to those clients (and myself), don't be afraid to take it one minute at a time, one second at a time, one meal at a time, one BITE at a time, or however else makes it easier for you to handle!!!