Feel like crap!

So I ended up at the ER today instead of work. I was feeling crappy and dizzy/light headed. I have a seriously bad sinus infection (that's weird because I've only had symptoms for three days, counting today, and the only thing that hurt was my head-no sinus pain, just pressure). Anyway, they said it was pretty nasty and are making me stay out of work for two days. I guess I should welcome the break and go to bed early since I didn't get much sleep last night. The kids had no school today because of the storm so they were just finishing dinner when I got home at 5:45pm. I was worried that I'd get home, feel like crap, and have to make diner for them, but thankfully, my babysitter had already made dinner and they were full by the time we left. Now, just a bath for Ashelyn and Andrew takes his shower in the morning. I still feel like crap. Apparently, the reason I was feeling so dizzy and light headed was dehydration, so they pumped me full of fluids and told me to keep drinking. I also got the name of a "special" doctor. Unfortunately, although the PA swears that this chick is great at what she does, she is 45 minutes away. Which isn't such a big deal now that I've bought my Grandmother's car. Her car is a 1995 but only has 73,000 miles on it and is in excellent shape. (I learned that if I don't lock the car doors, they won't freeze shut!) Her car is in good enough shape to drive the 45 minutes, but it most likely will be at least twice a week and I don't want to put the mileage on the car. If I have to I will, but I'd rather stay local if I can. And, as I was walking out of the ER I saw an elderly woman that, once again, made me do a double take. I knew from the corner of my eye that she looked just like Grama, but I could feel the woman's eyes on me as I approached her, so I looked at her...she looked just like Grama and made me think for minute...I could see the pain and sadness in this woman's eyes and it reminded me of the pain and sadness in my Grandmother's eyes every time I left her at the hospital. My Grandmother was very brave when she found out she wouldn't be leaving the hospital and going back to here "Earth" home. Every tear she cried in that hospital was sadness at the fact that she was so worried about the loved ones she was leaving behind. I don't think she ever ONCE worried about herself. If she did, *I* couldn't see it-EVER! And we were lucky enough to have the same Priest that saw her in the hospital do her services. And I remember that one of the first things he said was how he walked in the room and saw such a strong woman, not fearful of anything...and she was, very strong. I couldn't imagine KNOWING that these were your last days on Earth and you HAD to spend them in a bed watching your family come in and out all day for nearly a month. I think that knowing that she was going to finally see her husband helped her a lot. It was put so graciously to me on the morning of my birthday when I found out she died...she gave me an awesome birthday gift of me knowing that she wasn't in pain anymore...and after the first few months, I began to be able to think that way myself. Going in to the ER today, the registration people ALL knew my family-my dad, my aunt, etc and said they were at my Grandmother's services...they HAD to bring her up. I can't get that poor woman's eyes out of my head...the pain and sadness in them as I walked by her and the horrible "pulling and tugging" I felt emotionally to just stop and hug her...her eyes were on me-HARD and I felt it and saw my Grandmother as soon as I looked in them. Instead of stopping to hug her, I just walked by and looked away. I wish I could have that moment back and at least smile at the woman. She looked lonely, as there was no one by her bedside...I don't know why I felt my Grandmother so strongly at that point, but I'm ashamed that I looked away-selfishly feeling my own pain about my Grandmother's death instead of giving this poor woman a smile. I remember how my Grandmother used to smile at everyone. I still feel this "tugging" like it was my Grandmother trying to tell me something. It makes me sad, like there is something she is sad about regarding me. I guess I realize now exactly what she is so sad about. And I'm sorry Grama, I tried real hard but I know I failed you and disappointed you. I can't forgive myself for this one. But, I know you'll forgive me, as you were the most forgiving person I've ever met...like God, but on Earth. Keep everyone we love in your arms that is there with you in Paradise now...and I know that someday, I'll see you all again. I love and miss you, more than anyone knows!