Waves

That's what my therapist called it..waves...referring to my question: "Why does it hurt so much more NOW, 5 months after my grandmother died than it did when she first died? Aren't things supposed to get a little better each day? Shouldn't I be feeling better not worse?" I know that grief has no "rules" or time limit to it. And I know the Holidays are coming...Christmas Eve was a special tradition in our family, since I was born anyway. We all went to my grandmother's house and got together as a family...ate dinner together, exchanged gifts together, etc. Not this year. No Grama. No Grama's house. I already dread this time of year enough, but now it seems even worse than before. And my birthday...I dread that day too. I HATE anniversary dates of loved one's deaths. So, now, I dread my birthday too. I miss Grama and even though it's been over 5 months, part of me still can't truly believe that she is gone. Part of me thinks I can just pick up the phone and hear her voice. I still have her phone numbers in the phonebook of my cell phone. I won't remove them. I can't. I guess, maybe because that would make it more real...more...final. Part of me thought she'd never die, even though I knew that wasn't the truth. And sometimes, part of me pretends that she hasn't died. But my therapist said it's because grief is like a roller coaster for the first year....you "ride the waves" of grief. Duh, shoulda got that one when I signed the kids up for the "Wave Riders" kids' grief group with Hospice. There is a "parent" group that goes on during the childrens' group. But, the group is on Thursday nights so I can't go because I work EVERY Thursday and the lady had the balls to call me AT work and bitch at me for it. Of course I love my kids enough. That's why I'm working. Explaining to her that I am the only source of income in the house didn't matter. I could see/understand her point if I was just dropping my kids off like it was free babysitting. If I wasn't working...you bet I'd be at those groups. My dad said he goes to the congruent group while the kids go to theirs, but I guess THAT isn't even good enough. I'm struggling to find out why God would take such a great woman from the people that loved her; soooo many people loved her. Part of me is angry with God, heck...MOST of me is angry with the world...I was doing better, until she got sick. She went in to have emergency surgery to have kidney stones removed the day I graduated college...she watched me on TV because she couldn't make it to the college with her oxygen and walker...but she watched me on TV. I called her right after and she told me how she saw me...then, that evening, she WALKED into the ER and had her surgery...and never left the hospital. Although, she had cancer, you really couldn't tell that it was getting close to the end. The woman was up and walking (with her walker) and Andrew had just spent the night with her...so she was well enough to cook him dinner...then, all of a sudden, she fell very ill. The day before she died, everything looked good. The nurse came in as I was writing her a note...she was asleep. I asked the nurse how she was doing and the nurse actually said she was doing BETTER, so I felt comfortable enough to leave that night, knowing I'd see her early the next day...but, less than 12 hours after the nurse said she was doing better...she was gone...5 something AM on my birthday, she was gone...died peacefully in her sleep, but never woke to read my note. Had I known things were going to go that way, I would have stayed there all night. I broke a promise to her...that I'd be there, holding her hand when she died...and I wasn't there. I remember the last time I saw her awake and alive..I remember walking out of the room...an old family friend was visiting her...my grama brightened so much at this friend's arrival that I thought I'd let them talk alone for a while and I gave my Grama a hug and told her I loved her and turned my head to look at her as I walked out the door...her hands lay in the hands of her friend...so happy to see her. The next few times I came to visit, Grama was asleep...I missed my chance to say goodbye.